-
I wonder if you could drive any better with that phone up your ass?
-
Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
-
Auntie Em - Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog:
Dorothy.
-
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-
So many recipes, so few cats.
-
Cats...the other white meat.
-
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an
IDIOT!
-
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
-
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the I.R.S.
-
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
-
Isouport publik edekasion.
-
hoket on foniks werked fur me.
-
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
-
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
-
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to
face cancer.
-
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
-
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
-
Quick Operator, give me the number for 911.
-
Oh Lord, give me patience. And give it to me Now!
-
They call it " PMS " because " Mad Cow Disease " was already taken.
-
Unless you are the lead dog, the view never changes.
-
The dark ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
-
If your voting could really change things, it would be
illegal.
-
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
-
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
-
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
-
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
-
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-
Many people quit looking for work when they find a
job.
-
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
-
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty
crowded.
-
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling
out.
-
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
-
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
-
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full
view.
-
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it
-
The severity of the itch is proportional to the
reach.
-
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism-to steal
from many is research.
-
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
-
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
-
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
-
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
-
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic
route.
-
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
-
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
-
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move the bodies.
-
Why is " abbreviation " such a long word?
-
CAUTION: I drive like you do.
-
Cars don't cause accients, people who slow down to look at them do.
-
I'm not insecure...Am I?
-
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
-
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
-
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
-
Smile- it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
-
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
-
Wink, I'll do the rest.
-
If we aren't supposed to eat the animals, why are they made of meat?
-
Diplomacy is the art of saying " Nice doggie! " ...till you can find a rock
-
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
-
I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening.
-
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
-
A mans house is his hassle.
-
Biology grows on you.
-
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
-
Love America - Or give it back.
-
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
-
A penny saved is ridiculous.
-
Health is merely the slowest rate at witch one can die.
-
TO err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
-
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
-
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
-
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
-
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophenic.
-
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
-
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
-
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a pyschopath to your door.
-
Do married women make the best wives?
-
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
-
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
-
Next time,give " the gift that keeps on giving ", a female kitten.
-
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you are stupid: Open it and you remove all doubt.
-
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
-
Money is the root of all wealth.
-
Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they do.
-
Keep America Beautiful....EMAGRATE!
-
If all men were brothers, would you let your sister marry?
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